DH: A list recently published in The New York Times by a noted restaurateur gave 100 rules for what service staff should not do. I thought a list of 50 things that writers shouldn’t do would give us all a chance to vent. I’m contributing 10 items. Some of these pet peeves have pissed me off for years:
- Don’t use italics for more than one line.
- Don’t tell me what someone looks like if it doesn’t matter.
- Don’t make me draw a diagram to figure out who’s speaking.
- Don’t write in a manner that’s different from your everyday speech. You should write like your best talk when you’re having a very good day.
- Don’t start your story with a character alone in a room unless you’re Kafka and your character is going to turn into a bug.
- I should be able to turn to any passage in your story and enjoy the craft of it. Don’t write a coy opening to draw me in. I’ll throw the book away instead.
- You have five minutes to interest me, not with gimmicks but with craft.
- Topicality is another word for bullshit.
- If you use one awkward word in 500 pages, I’ll notice it. It counts against you.
- You’re the artist. Ignore my rules.
And here’s 30 more Don’ts from the Three Guys! But we want your help with the last ten! So read over our list and add your suggestions so we can make up 50 Don’ts!
JE:
- Don’t write. Tell me a story.
- Don’t include scenes just because they’re good scenes.
- Don’t tell the story with your head, tell it with your body, even when it’s cerebral.
- Don’t let overarching symbolism marginalize your characters.
- Don’t show off, it doesn’t serve the story.
- Don’t try to be culturally significant, just report the human condition
- Don’t hide behind sarcasm.
- Avoid obtuse narrative devices and ambiguous POV transitions.
- Don’t be too explicit, the reader has a brain.
- Don’t burden me with peripheral information, unless your intent is to distract.
JR:
- Don’t tell me what you want from my writing. I’ll give it to you. Take it or leave it.
- Don’t write in cliche.
- Don’t write in stereotype unless you’re poking fun at that stereotype, and it’s obvious, like Wes Anderson in the Royal Tannebaums.
- Don’t give me a love interest just to make the character “likeable/relatable” or “well rounded”, people fall in love, if your characters don’t, then that’s it, love doesn’t find everyone.
- Don’t use pop culture as a crutch when you have no characters or story to tell. I don’t give a fuck about Whitney Houston, ever, and she has no business in a novel.
- Don’t glue your story to a cause or a distrupted group or country and call it a novel. I call that bad reporting.
- Don’t go 250 pages without something happening in the story. You’re not John Irving. Even John Irving isn’t John Irving.
- If you want to give me information, technical or otherwise, don’t turn it into a sleep aid. Make me want to read it. See: The Corrections.
- Don’t let someone write in your galley, “the first great novel of…” because I know it’s not. Why? Because someone told me it was.
- If I send you books to be signed, as I’m a collector of first editions, and you said you’d do it, then you better do it. And respond to my email where I ask if you got the books. You’re just a writer after all. No one is on the operating table.
JC:
- Don’t write something where nothing happens. This ain’t Godot. Make something happen. If you find you don’t have enough material, try microblogging instead.
- Don’t let your publicity materials be less compelling than the book. You’ve got to convince someone to read it. That counts for query letters, too.
- Don’t rely on brands to describe your character to me. Define you character by more than his possessions
- Don’t get so bogged down in description that I don’t care about the story. Tell me what I need to know and get on with it.
- Don’t be technical. If you must, be concise and clear. See Richard Powers for a positive example.
- Don’t write fiction with an agenda. It reaps tedium.
- Don’t let your characters act at odds to their established patterns.
- Don’t ask for advice or criticism if what you want is a pat on the back.
- Don’t hold the reader’s hand. It’s ok to make them think. Hold something important back. Spill it at the opportune moment. Make sure it’s worth waiting for.
- Don’t write about trends or fads. In 10 years you’ll either be ridiculous, or no one will know what the hell you’re talking about. See any Twitter novel.
There you have it: 40 rules, some of which no doubt contradict each other. So tell us, readers, what would you have a writer never do?
Related posts:
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- Getting an Agent and Making a Living as a Writer Jonathan Evison and Jason Rice talk about getting a literary agent and making a living as a writer.JR: I wanted to start a conversation about getting a literary agent....
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Some bees that have been in my bonnet lately.
Hysterical writing (think teenage love poetry). Let the drama be dramatic not the verbiage. Avoid the words screaming, soul and blood. And they should never be in the same sentence.
and
Relying spectacle. Lately I had truly wonderful character-driven stories ruined by the current fashion for grafting on thriller-style plotting. Just as you said, not everyone falls in love, not every story needs a body count or a detective story.
Ha! Good ones, Jarred. Not only does everyone think they can write a thriller, they think they “have to” write one, as if that’s the only medium left.
. . . i’d like to amend my list to say that there really are no absolutes . . .
You could add Don’t listen too much to other people, too. Write the book you want to write.
yeah, just make sure it doesn’t suck . . .
Well, the readers or the lack thereof will tell you that.
I like JE’s “Don’t write, tell a story.” Don’t have a story? Then save your comments for your Facebook account.
. . . i actually appropriated that from a sign above my editor (chuck adams) desk, which says: “quit writing and tell me a story” . . .
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don’t tell other writers what they should or shouldn’t do.
Patrick, I tell my cat, Little Stinky, what to do. She ignores my input and then tells ME what to do. I always follow her advice since she is more sensible than I am. So the writer legislates. And I think it’s more likely that my cat will become a writer than I will.
Patrick, you’re right. But you know what? Writers have to have readers…so there has to be some kind of give and take. For me, it’s the establishment/gatekeepers who seem to be telling writers what to do. That’s NG.
I like Jason’s comment very much. But you know what? For centuries artists have been told what do to. But they find a way to express their originality anyway. Like: The old Hollywood studio system tried to control its directors. But the directors produced film noir. While the studios hyped these big prestige pictures that aren’t worth shit; these small and nasty noirs made film history.
. . . i believe that even if a writer is going to ignore the rules, he ought to know them, in order to effectively break them . . . otherwise, it’s like trying to pull a bank heist without casing the joint . . .
Don’t use a sentence you like where it doesn’t fit. Save it. It will work elsewhere.
Don’t use esoteric words to impress the read. Even if I know the meaning, I will think you are a pretentious ass; if I don’t, I will not put your book down to retrieve a dictionary. I’ll just put it down.
(Esoteric isn’t an esoteric word, is it?)
Oops. That was supposed to be reader.”
Don’t misspell when commenting on what writers should not do …
reader.
please ignore me.
A guy recently e-mailed me a novel he had written. I didn’t get past the first sentence as the first sentece actually involved a dark and stormy night.
I guess he had never read Peanuts.
JE, who was talking about breaking the rules…without knowing them? It’s about being told what is good and what’s not. By the people who are quickly going out of business.
My novel starts out, “on a dark and stormy night” is that wrong?
Spice it up a little JR:
The night was dark and stormy.
The night was dark and stormy, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. The lights on the front porch had burned out, and my son told me that he was afraid of the dark. I assured him, “there’s no difference between day and night, the same stuff is always out there”.
JR, finish it as a short story and publish it on our blog or somewhere else….if you don’t mind.
I DO MIND.
HA!
I’m not laughing.
I’m not laughing either. I was curious to see what you would do with a variation on a conventional opening. You don’t have to laugh and I don’t have to cry.
Don’t make every character come from an abusive family, with an alcoholic and violent father, an addicted (to whatever) mother and a brother who suicided blah blah blah.
Oh, and can we please give vampire love a rest?
I would add to the list this one: “Read before writing and, when you think you’re ready, read a little bit more”.
If you’re not writing it with certainty, don’t write it.
These lists are fantastic tests for your state of insecurity. If you’re in the “what the fuck am I doing?” part of the novel, you will currently be ripping through page after page for stereotype, redundant description or the words “blood”, “soul” and “screaming”.
Keep reading and keep writing and eventually you will know exactly what you’re doing (for a while). If (when) you come across a sentence like, “The sight of her blood sent his soul screaming for vengeance.” you will either delete it without a second thought, or you will leave it in, knowing it is exactly the kind of sentence that is required.
Right, Stephen. That’s one of the biggest don’ts, which we talk about all the time. Don’t stop. Keep writing. The more you write, the more you’ll figure out about how to do it.
The more you write, the better you get. Use it everyday, like a pro athlete.
Dancers dance every day. They have to, or they’re not pros. As usual, the Jasons are right. The Jasons are like three oracles. When they all agree, you can take it to the bank.
But I like Stephen’s “you will know exactly what you’re doing (for a while)”. I think writing, like reading, needs to be re-learned. For what we love the most, we are always practicing.
Show me. Don’t tell.
When a writer starts telling me how the characters feel I’m immediately disconnected. I want to discover the mood in the work itself.
good point josie!
1. Don’t give 50+ pages long battle descriptions, ESPECIALLY if they have nothing to do with the goddamned plot.
2. Don’t leave your character(s) in the $hit and begin to talk about some philosophical question.
3. The fluffy romance of two 19th century teens is BORING, man. Especially when it takes two hundred pages from 1400.
4. Don’t make your hero act OOC. NEVER. EVER.
5. I don’t care what do you think of period industry, economy, convents, God, society. I care what will the characters do on the next page!
6. Letting the main villain survive, be FREE, and go and live happily ever after with a LOT of money is not fair.
7. If I’m interested in linquistic questions, I’ll take a course. THIS is a novel, dude.
8. Sinking the antagonist for 8 years / 3-400 pages is not the best idea.
9. Coincidences, man. GET RID OF THEM.
10. No matter how much you drool over his greatness, I’ll not like Bonaparte. Ever.
And these counsels are all adressed to my favourite author. Now think of the others…
Oh, my second:
1. Dude. First, decide if this is a novel, or a National Geographic Special.
2. Don’t let the funny secondary character overshadow your demonic tragic hero.
3. If you are telling it in first person, don’t include things your narrator couldnt witness.
4. If you have a slashy romance at the beginning, don’t drop it later!
5. Don’t give every character and ship Highly Symbolic Names.
6. If you don’t know what to do with a character, making him randomly mad is not the solution.
Take that, Herman. I love you anyway.
. . .ha! take that! holy cow, these are funny, sieglinde . . . looks like maybe tolstoy and melville should have minded their ‘don’ts” . . .
When a character speaks, try to find something more creative than “he said/she said” five times in a row. (BIGGEST WRITING PET PEEVE)
You escape he said/she said, by introducing the scene with one tag, that is more creative than the typical he said/she said, and you make a distinction between characters by the way they talk, back and forth. People will follow, those who can’t or won’t, sorry for your luck.
Please don’t try to tell me what a character is like by the books read, movies seen, etc. It’s cheap and easy. (There was a John Hughes movie — I forget which one — in which a character who is a plumber or maintenance guy is shown reading Finnegan’s Wake. It screamed of pretension and a cheesy way to tell us that “in spite of appearances, the guy is actually very smart and cultured.”
Show character through behavior.
Please don’t use these phrases, ‘He or she ____________ as if saying __________. I know we’re not allowed to mention names but you notice how I am casting my eyes over to Tom Wolfe and Stephen King:
i.e.
She bobbed and weaved her head, snapping her finger in a circle as if saying, you go girl!
She bobbed and weaved her head, snapping her finger in a circle as if saying, oh you done said it, I said don’t go there and you done went!
He stood there and put his fists to waist as if saying, what’s the hell is wrong with you?
Write from your heart. Connect with your characters or your readers never will.
Choose each word with care – not to show how smart you are, but to makes the phrases dance. Marry thought with action seamlessly.
Characters and plot must always advance with each chapter.
When you feel you’ve made the best manuscript you know how, send it out. Don’t tuck it in a drawer out of fear of rejection (I have plenty of those). If you have a story worth telling, it deserves a chance.
Don’t write to hop on a trend, but don’t avoid a trend if a story beckons you. There may be room for one more if it’s high quality or from a unique angle.
When you receive a rejection, after you wallow in self pity, dust off your keyboard, and take the advice to heart. A rejection with feedback is precious information, so use it wisely.
Thanks for your comment, Theresa. I especially like the pacing comment about character and plot advancing in each chapter. That’s why there are chapter divisions in the first place, surely. (One of the reasons, anyway.)
I’m reading a new mystery in galley now…it’s very good…but in one or two chapters I’m saying to myself…”come on…make something happen”…I shouldn’t be saying that… so, writers, ask yourself…why does this chapter exist?
I’m always happy when I hear that writers are writing…rather than wallowing…best wishes.
Pet peeve:
Flat, unidentifiable characters. They all look, act, talk the same. Non-descript places, people, actions.
I don’t want to read ‘dull’. If I did, I’d read my cat’s nonsense type when he decides the keyboard is taking too much time away from him.
Overly flowery characters irk me just as much. I want to read ‘real’ people. Not everyone is beautiful, giving, loving, kind, strong, invincible. And not all women are weak, whiney, sick, unloved, abused whatevers. The list goes on and on.
Give me real ‘love scenes’, not hot two-penny romance novel junk. Humans AREN’T those characters. I say…make them believable and make them real and you have a novel worth reading.
I’m not saying I’m perfect at any of this. Far from it. Some days, I’m very confused at my own efforts. Those above are things I try to avoid. Usually with much much MUCH re-writing.
Thanks Lynda,
In Christensen’s “The Great Man” there is a love scene between seniors. It’s very good. I mention it as an example of a love scene showing originality.
My cat also knows how to type.
Use spell check. Only an idiot sends material littered with typos that the Word program can correct for you with extremely little effort.
Don’t rush to your very clever plot point too quickly. Example: Novel about Nashville wives’ club where two members of the club fall for each other (surprise!) and have them fall for each other and leave the group and Nashville by the end of Chapter One before we’ve had the chance to know any of the characters. This from an author who had written three previous books.
How about:
DON’T LISTEN TO THE FIRST 40 RULES. ONLY A COUPLE OF THEM ARE GOOD!
seriously, those rules suck!
Okay, PAH!…put your money down…give us a good rule or two! Are you a player or do you just want to critique our game?