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50 Things a Writer Shouldn’t Do

By 3G1B

DH: A list recently published in The New York Times by a noted restaurateur gave 100 rules for what service staff should not do. I thought a list of 50 things that writers shouldn’t do would give us all a chance to vent. I’m contributing 10 items. Some of these pet peeves have pissed me off for years:

  1. Don’t use italics for more than one line.
  2. Don’t tell me what someone looks like if it doesn’t matter.
  3. Don’t make me draw a diagram to figure out who’s speaking.
  4. Don’t write in a manner that’s different from your everyday speech. You should write like your best talk when you’re having a very good day.
  5. Don’t start your story with a character alone in a room unless you’re Kafka and your character is going to turn into a bug.
  6. I should be able to turn to any passage in your story and enjoy the craft of it. Don’t write a coy opening to draw me in. I’ll throw the book away instead.
  7. You have five minutes to interest me, not with gimmicks but with craft.
  8. Topicality is another word for bullshit.
  9. If you use one awkward word in 500 pages, I’ll notice it. It counts against you.
  10. You’re the artist. Ignore my rules.
And here’s 30 more Don’ts from the Three Guys! But we want your help with the last ten! So read over our list and add your suggestions so we can make up 50 Don’ts!
JE:
  1. Don’t write. Tell me a story.
  2. Don’t include scenes just because they’re good scenes.
  3. Don’t tell the story with your head, tell it with your body, even when it’s cerebral.
  4. Don’t let overarching symbolism marginalize your characters.
  5. Don’t show off, it doesn’t serve the story.
  6. Don’t try to be culturally significant, just report the human condition
  7. Don’t hide behind sarcasm.
  8. Avoid obtuse narrative devices and ambiguous POV transitions.
  9. Don’t be too explicit, the reader has a brain.
  10. Don’t burden me with peripheral information, unless your intent is to distract.
JR:
  1. Don’t tell me what you want from my writing. I’ll give it to you. Take it or leave it.
  2. Don’t write in cliche.
  3. Don’t write in stereotype unless you’re poking fun at that stereotype, and it’s obvious, like Wes Anderson in the Royal Tannebaums.
  4. Don’t give me a love interest just to make the character “likeable/relatable”  or “well rounded”, people fall in love, if your characters don’t, then that’s it, love doesn’t find everyone.
  5. Don’t use pop culture as a crutch when you have no characters or story to tell. I don’t give a fuck about Whitney Houston, ever, and she has no business in a novel.
  6. Don’t glue your story to a cause or a distrupted group or country and call it a novel. I call that bad reporting.
  7. Don’t go 250 pages without something happening in the story. You’re not John Irving. Even John Irving isn’t John Irving.
  8. If you want to give me information, technical or otherwise, don’t turn it into a sleep aid. Make me want to read it. See: The Corrections.
  9. Don’t let someone write in your galley, “the first great novel of…” because I know it’s not.  Why? Because someone told me it was.
  10. If I send you books to be signed, as I’m a collector of first editions, and you said you’d do it, then you better do it. And respond to my email where I ask if you got the books. You’re just a writer after all. No one is on the operating table.
JC:
  1. Don’t write something where nothing happens. This ain’t Godot. Make something happen. If you find you don’t have enough material, try microblogging instead.
  2. Don’t let your publicity materials be less compelling than the  book. You’ve got to convince someone to read it. That counts for query letters, too.
  3. Don’t rely on brands to describe your character to me. Define you character by more than his possessions
  4. Don’t get so bogged down in description that I don’t care about the story. Tell me what I need to know and get on with it.
  5. Don’t be technical. If you must, be concise and clear. See Richard Powers for a positive example.
  6. Don’t write fiction with an agenda. It reaps tedium.
  7. Don’t let your characters act at odds to their established patterns.
  8. Don’t ask for advice or criticism if what you want is a pat on the back.
  9. Don’t hold the reader’s hand. It’s ok to make them think. Hold something important back. Spill it at the opportune moment. Make sure it’s worth waiting for.
  10. Don’t write about trends or fads. In 10 years you’ll either be ridiculous, or no one will know what the hell you’re talking about. See any Twitter novel.

There you have it: 40 rules, some of which no doubt contradict each other. So tell us, readers, what would you have a writer never do?


November 9th, 2009 | Category: Conversations
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  • DH

    I know I misspelled a word…sorry.

  • V.L. Fuller

    1) I think it was Mark Twain who said “If you see an adverb, kill it.” Or maybe it was if you see an adjective kill it. And maybe it was John Wayne who said it. I forget. Whatever, it’s good advice.

    2) Never take advice. Ever.

    3) I like semi-colons, but I also like saffron. I use each sparingly. They are expensive.

    4) I hate the way so much modern fiction feels the need to remind the reader of something that happened three pages ago. Why do I need a reminder of something that JUST HAPPENED? Am I stupid? Did you think I wasn’t paying attention? Or why do I need a reminder of something that happened twenty-five pages, or three hundred pages ago? Wasn’t that part of your cunning writerly plan, to foreshadow the event I am now reading about? Or are you just so overwhelmed with your own cleverness you have to tell me about how clever you are? Or are you insecure about whether I will notice your cleverness? Or…

    5)… is it simply a matter of so much modern fiction being written by committee now? Which, incidentally, per “Never Take Advice” above, you should never do? Is that punctuation correct? Did I spell committee correctly?

    6) Don’t second guess yourself in the middle of writing. Plunge ahead. Or is it lunge ahead? Argh. Just do it, fix it later.

    7) If you have a cause you can champion in a novel, go for it. Just don’t seem like you’re championing a cause in a novel, or if you can’t help but tip your hand, make the cause somehow relevant to the novel itself. But why restrict yourself? If something is important to you write about it. There’s usually a story to go with what you are trying to say. Some of the best books (and movies) have a cause.

    8) For heaven’s sake, don’t “write what you know”. Most of us are pretty boring. I know I am.

    9) If you write about a historical era other than the one you live in, trying to replicate the dialect of the time is absurd. Don’t do it.

    10) If you want the best education in slang and actual speech patterns from any era, read the pornography of the era. Porn was not paid for by the word as a rule, porn was not edited to death (still isn’t), and good porn attempts to convey things with the LEAST amount of delicacy. My personal favorite Victorian era piece of porn? “The Autobiography of a Flea”. It’s as educational as “Oliver Twist”. I swear.

    11) Oh, yeah, and if an infinitive needs to be split? Do it like Raymond Chandler did, and split the damn thing so it STAYS split. I like my infinitives split, and with a dollop of butter and honey. But then, I’m an American.

  • V.L. Fuller

    1) I think it was Mark Twain who said “If you see an adverb, kill it.” Or maybe it was if you see an adjective kill it. And maybe it was John Wayne who said it. I forget. Whatever, it’s good advice.

    2) Never take advice. Ever.

    3) I like semi-colons, but I also like saffron. I use each sparingly. They are expensive.

    4) I hate the way so much modern fiction feels the need to remind the reader of something that happened three pages ago. Why do I need a reminder of something that JUST HAPPENED? Am I stupid? Did you think I wasn’t paying attention? Or why do I need a reminder of something that happened twenty-five pages, or three hundred pages ago? Wasn’t that part of your cunning writerly plan, to foreshadow the event I am now reading about? Or are you just so overwhelmed with your own cleverness you have to tell me about how clever you are? Or are you insecure about whether I will notice your cleverness? Or…

    5)… is it simply a matter of so much modern fiction being written by committee now? Which, incidentally, per “Never Take Advice” above, you should never do? Is that punctuation correct? Did I spell committee correctly?

    6) Don’t second guess yourself in the middle of writing. Plunge ahead. Or is it lunge ahead? Argh. Just do it, fix it later.

    7) If you have a cause you can champion in a novel, go for it. Just don’t seem like you’re championing a cause in a novel, or if you can’t help but tip your hand, make the cause somehow relevant to the novel itself. But why restrict yourself? If something is important to you write about it. There’s usually a story to go with what you are trying to say. Some of the best books (and movies) have a cause.

    8) For heaven’s sake, don’t “write what you know”. Most of us are pretty boring. I know I am.

    9) If you write about a historical era other than the one you live in, trying to replicate the dialect of the time is absurd. Don’t do it.

    10) If you want the best education in slang and actual speech patterns from any era, read the pornography of the era. Porn was not paid for by the word as a rule, porn was not edited to death (still isn’t), and good porn attempts to convey things with the LEAST amount of delicacy. My personal favorite Victorian era piece of porn? “The Autobiography of a Flea”. It’s as educational as “Oliver Twist”. I swear.

    11) Oh, yeah, and if an infinitive needs to be split? Do it like Raymond Chandler did, and split the damn thing so it STAYS split. I like my infinitives split, and with a dollop of butter and honey. But then, I’m an American.

  • http://www.threeguysonebook.com Jason Chambers

    Thanks, VL.

    I say if you must “write what you know”, you’d better lie about it.

  • http://www.threeguysonebook.com Jason Chambers

    Thanks, VL.

    I say if you must “write what you know”, you’d better lie about it.

  • http://susanwoodring.blogspot.com Susan Woodring

    Love this. My favorite: Don’t include scenes just because they’re good scenes. I’d add: Don’t linger in a scene just because you, the writer, are having fun writing it. I think sometimes we love our words too much. We must learn to kill our darlings–our most breathtakingly beautiful sentences, our poetic descriptions, our brilliant quips and musings–when they’re not advancing the plot.

    I’m with you on the agenda-fiction, too. Even if I agree with all my heart about whatever kind of message the writer is trying to send, I bristle when I know the writer is trying to teach me something.

  • http://susanwoodring.blogspot.com Susan Woodring

    Love this. My favorite: Don’t include scenes just because they’re good scenes. I’d add: Don’t linger in a scene just because you, the writer, are having fun writing it. I think sometimes we love our words too much. We must learn to kill our darlings–our most breathtakingly beautiful sentences, our poetic descriptions, our brilliant quips and musings–when they’re not advancing the plot.

    I’m with you on the agenda-fiction, too. Even if I agree with all my heart about whatever kind of message the writer is trying to send, I bristle when I know the writer is trying to teach me something.

  • jonathan evison

    . . . here, here, susan! . . . i love steinbeck, but man, when i read something like “the moon is down” i cringe at the political propaganda . . .and then there are those who would argue that every novel has an imperative to be political . . .to my way of thinking, the only real imperative for a novel is to report on the human condition . . .

  • jonathan evison

    . . . here, here, susan! . . . i love steinbeck, but man, when i read something like “the moon is down” i cringe at the political propaganda . . .and then there are those who would argue that every novel has an imperative to be political . . .to my way of thinking, the only real imperative for a novel is to report on the human condition . . .

  • http://raulifranescritordepuntaalta.blogspot.com RAUL OSCAR

    Thanks for this piece of advice. Regards from Argentina.

  • http://raulifranescritordepuntaalta.blogspot.com RAUL OSCAR

    Thanks for this piece of advice. Regards from Argentina.

  • http://swordpen.com Zev Lewinson

    Stop talking about writing. Just get on the mat … and write! (although I honestly admit that I loved number five in everyone’s critique. But my favorite … (drum roll here) … You’re the artist. Ignore my rules.

  • http://swordpen.com Zev Lewinson

    Stop talking about writing. Just get on the mat … and write! (although I honestly admit that I loved number five in everyone’s critique. But my favorite … (drum roll here) … You’re the artist. Ignore my rules.

  • Marie Raven

    “Dont write a story to – or for – a particular person. You have an axe to grind, write a letter instead. Readers can see through your agenda, if you do.”

    To me, this goes for writing something to, or for, yourself. Including details of personal experience enrich a story and offer believability. However, 99% of people are not so interesting that I want to read a novel about them and their lives, and if I haven’t seen through the fact that all you’ve done is created a slightly-more-appealing version of yourself in a very-similar-to-your-own-life situation (no, including a token vice does not make this any less eye-roll inducing), then by the time I read a second piece of your work I will. And I will not read any more. Write a diary, not a memoir.

  • Marie Raven

    “Dont write a story to – or for – a particular person. You have an axe to grind, write a letter instead. Readers can see through your agenda, if you do.”

    To me, this goes for writing something to, or for, yourself. Including details of personal experience enrich a story and offer believability. However, 99% of people are not so interesting that I want to read a novel about them and their lives, and if I haven’t seen through the fact that all you’ve done is created a slightly-more-appealing version of yourself in a very-similar-to-your-own-life situation (no, including a token vice does not make this any less eye-roll inducing), then by the time I read a second piece of your work I will. And I will not read any more. Write a diary, not a memoir.

  • John Tagliaferro

    Lots of good advice!
    Some of mine:
    I don’t like my characters speaking in semi-colons, so I use a period.
    If you are not intimately familiar with a topic, research it.
    Let the characters explain to each other how things work.
    Sprinkle hints through the story, but don’t have all of them pointing at your ending.
    Romances are no more than 40,000 words. A series can be infinite in 40,000 word chunks. Even sci-fi with a romance in it.
    Writing 20 years in the future let’s you make anything we have today work better and locations can be remodeled to your likeing. One-hundred years in the future, you can do almost anything you want besides human nature.
    If you write about a utopia, don’t pretend it can happen.
    Human beings have flaws, your characters need them and the reader needs to know what they are.
    Proofers and editors do not write for you. Dig out what they really don’t like and explain or fix it (Suki is always behind on her bills because of her lavish lifestyle, mentioned by her mother near the end of vol. 1, rememtion or not?)
    I prefer an all-knowing narrator, when the narrator pipes up. Mentioned earlier, I usually have the characters explain things, sometimes in thought.

  • John Tagliaferro

    Lots of good advice!
    Some of mine:
    I don’t like my characters speaking in semi-colons, so I use a period.
    If you are not intimately familiar with a topic, research it.
    Let the characters explain to each other how things work.
    Sprinkle hints through the story, but don’t have all of them pointing at your ending.
    Romances are no more than 40,000 words. A series can be infinite in 40,000 word chunks. Even sci-fi with a romance in it.
    Writing 20 years in the future let’s you make anything we have today work better and locations can be remodeled to your likeing. One-hundred years in the future, you can do almost anything you want besides human nature.
    If you write about a utopia, don’t pretend it can happen.
    Human beings have flaws, your characters need them and the reader needs to know what they are.
    Proofers and editors do not write for you. Dig out what they really don’t like and explain or fix it (Suki is always behind on her bills because of her lavish lifestyle, mentioned by her mother near the end of vol. 1, rememtion or not?)
    I prefer an all-knowing narrator, when the narrator pipes up. Mentioned earlier, I usually have the characters explain things, sometimes in thought.

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  • http://nikflorida.org Nik

    LOL Jeff! I not only read Peanuts, but I have an edition of Bulwer’s “complete works” including Paul Clifford :) I personally ADORE ostentatious, bloated verbosity (to my way of thinking, it sorta defines the whole Victorian era, including the famous ones like Dickens and the non-so-famous ones like Bulwer). I do read Berkeley’s annual “Bulwer Lytton Contest” entries, and I too started a novel with homage to the “dark and stormy night.” In my opinion, it’s actually a great sentence, but it’s a horrible novel. LOL

    I suppose if I were to offer rules, they’d have to include the whole thing about “rules are meant to be broken,” especially regarding grammar and sentence structure. Two things I remember which actually have been useful to me, but which are also places where I’ve occasionally transgressed (for good reason, of course), have to do with transcribing human utterings (like writing “uh…” and “eww!”) and describing the activity of internal organs (like hearts pounding and stomachs turning and so forth)… generally these are, as William Strunk might say, “off-putting.”

  • http://nikflorida.org Nik

    LOL Jeff! I not only read Peanuts, but I have an edition of Bulwer’s “complete works” including Paul Clifford :) I personally ADORE ostentatious, bloated verbosity (to my way of thinking, it sorta defines the whole Victorian era, including the famous ones like Dickens and the non-so-famous ones like Bulwer). I do read Berkeley’s annual “Bulwer Lytton Contest” entries, and I too started a novel with homage to the “dark and stormy night.” In my opinion, it’s actually a great sentence, but it’s a horrible novel. LOL

    I suppose if I were to offer rules, they’d have to include the whole thing about “rules are meant to be broken,” especially regarding grammar and sentence structure. Two things I remember which actually have been useful to me, but which are also places where I’ve occasionally transgressed (for good reason, of course), have to do with transcribing human utterings (like writing “uh…” and “eww!”) and describing the activity of internal organs (like hearts pounding and stomachs turning and so forth)… generally these are, as William Strunk might say, “off-putting.”

  • http://nikflorida.org Nik

    Oh, absolutely Josie! “show, don’t tell” is probably the most important advice ever for writers, from beginners to pros. Kafka, I think, said it best when he said, “don’t tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Or something like that. :)

  • http://nikflorida.org Nik

    Oh, absolutely Josie! “show, don’t tell” is probably the most important advice ever for writers, from beginners to pros. Kafka, I think, said it best when he said, “don’t tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Or something like that. :)

  • Zoë

    Actually, there’s only one thing a writer shouldn’t do – and that is a writer should never listen to someone who is telling them what they shouldn’t do. Writing is about being creative and rules are a stint in creativity, anyone telling you what you should or shouldn’t do is just being pretetious and telling you that the way /they/ do it is right and better. Screw rules. Write what you feel and what comes out of you. That’s all you need to know.

  • Zoë

    Actually, there’s only one thing a writer shouldn’t do – and that is a writer should never listen to someone who is telling them what they shouldn’t do. Writing is about being creative and rules are a stint in creativity, anyone telling you what you should or shouldn’t do is just being pretetious and telling you that the way /they/ do it is right and better. Screw rules. Write what you feel and what comes out of you. That’s all you need to know.

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  • http://www.simplydehumidifiers.com Home Dehumidifiers

    A+ Zoë. I completely agree. Lists are popular so this will definitely make the rounds, but I hope no one takes it seriously. There shouldn’t be any hard rules for a creative work.

  • http://www.simplydehumidifiers.com Home Dehumidifiers

    A+ Zoë. I completely agree. Lists are popular so this will definitely make the rounds, but I hope no one takes it seriously. There shouldn’t be any hard rules for a creative work.

  • http://www.foodserviceeast.com susan holaday

    Love your “Don’t write, tell me a story”- it pinpoints my biggest gripe with fiction in the past 10 or 15 years – not that I get to read much – I have books piled up, avalanching -but they’re cooking or cookbooks for review in my publication, Foodservice East! But when I want to read fiction, I want to be drawn into a wonderful story and taken out of the ‘real’ world, or told a story that informs, educates, entertains, inspires!

  • http://www.foodserviceeast.com susan holaday

    Love your “Don’t write, tell me a story”- it pinpoints my biggest gripe with fiction in the past 10 or 15 years – not that I get to read much – I have books piled up, avalanching -but they’re cooking or cookbooks for review in my publication, Foodservice East! But when I want to read fiction, I want to be drawn into a wonderful story and taken out of the ‘real’ world, or told a story that informs, educates, entertains, inspires!

  • AReader

    Please add this one: Don’t kill the main character’s love interest just to try to turn your lame story into a tearjerker (Nicholas Sparks). I hate being manipulated that way.

  • AReader

    Please add this one: Don’t kill the main character’s love interest just to try to turn your lame story into a tearjerker (Nicholas Sparks). I hate being manipulated that way.

  • jonathan evison

    . . .consider it added!

  • jonathan evison

    . . .consider it added!

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  • http://www.acidzen.org dandellion

    Don’t start your story with a character alone in a room unless you’re Kafka and your character is going to turn into a bug.

    LOL

    errrrrmmmm… I’ll have to find my way around this one.

  • http://www.threeguysonebook.com Jason Chambers

    That’s OK dandellion, there’s always the praying mantis route for you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/neversremedy Raven Jennifer Demers

    Don’t tell me about the weather in the first page of the story. Oh sure, it may be a dark and stormy night, it might even be raining. Show me the umbrella, or the character wishing for one. If the weather means nothing to the story, it doesn’t need to be shown.

  • Colin

    If you’re making rules, avoid sounding like JR.

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  • Dennis Haritou

    In your dreams, Colin, you should sound like JR.

    But on RJD’s weather comment: one thing I do like about weather descriptions is that they work very well in historical novels. You can describe the rain in Paris on June 14th, 1850 and hell, its the same rain, but to your readers, it’s 19th century rain and you will be commended for your realism.

    But I agree, no irrelevant descriptions. Descriptive writing has to have a function in your storytelling.

  • Nwpa_male

    You should not be hiding from bill collectors and former friends by using the telephone numbers and your mother’s maiden name to harrass and otherwise irritate people. You are hiding from bill collectors by using these diversions. You can no longer hide from people you used throughout your miserable life. The nasty things you have done in your life are catching up to you and are going to be your downfall. You have been discovered and will pay in the long run for your lies and cheating. Be warned, Tir!!

  • Steve

    What is the definition for, “distrupt?”

  • Cindy20070103

    I like what you say.http://www.amerisleep.com

  • http://tahlianewland.com Tahlia

    Don’t try to please all of the readers all of the time. It’s impossible and you’ll go crazy trying.

    Look at this list, for eg what you might think is an agenda or an example of too much description or not enough happening isn’t to someone else.

    The truth is, you can only please some readers some of the time, but an artist must please themselves.

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  • David Mankins

    One writer doesn’t need to tell another writer anything! Writing is about talent. Creativity is discovered early on in school. Take talent, add creativity and there is a writer born.

  • Anonymous

    Write out loud (read out loud what you wrote).

    Very interesting post. Thank you :)

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